Sunday, June 1, 2008

Purging My Mind

Never fear, readers. I’m not moving away from politics. But I’m in an analytical mood, and it has inspired some “Random Thoughts.”

- Why do people say, "Have a safe flight" when they drop you off at the airport? Do they think you'll use telekinesis from your seat to control the plane like you're Jean Gray in that X-Man movie? Something like, "I hope your pilot's not drunk," or "Here's hoping the duct tape stays on the wing" would be a more fitting bon mot.

- I don't know why, but it annoys me when an adult tells me, "Bye bye." I'm always thinking "coochie coo" is coming next.

- When did the word "like" become, like, so omnipresent in casual conversation? It's like people are unable to, like, complete a sentence without, like, saying "like." I haven't been this distressed about the future of communication since everybody started calling everything "bogus" after Fast Times at Ridgemont High came out.

- How come people say "God bless you" when you sneeze, but they don't say it when you fart? Is this some sort of orifice bias? Phlegm projected out of your nose at speeds in excess of 160 miles warrants Providential well-wishing, but a bad burrito doesn't get you any sympathy? I had a college friend who could have used a "God bless you" after a "gastric emission.” It was clear he had sold his butt-hole to Satan (to quote Wanda Sykes).

- While we're on things religious, how come most people pray before they eat the three big meals of the day, but they never ask God to bless the cheese and crackers they have in their desk drawer at work? Is there some unwritten rule that it's impolitic to ask God to let something "nourish your body and uplift your spirit" when you know it's so loaded with saturated fat?

In fact, now that we have refrigeration and preservatives, do we even NEED to ask the Lord to bless our food? Wasn't praying over the food something that started only because we got desperate after we ran out of ideas for avoiding salmonella from the pork that we were storing in the sun?

- I have undertaken reading the Bible from cover to cover, and I’m already struggling with the material. In Genesis you have Adam and Eve, then Cain and Abel, and then a whole bunch of people "begetting" a whole bunch of other people. Can't we safely conclude that somewhere along the line, somebody was sleeping with somebody's sister? So who got the “incest immunity” from God? And was that a source of shame or pride? Was it, “Ha! God let ME sleep with my sister!” Or was it a mournful, “I was wicked in the eyes of the Lord….so now I have to sleep with my sister. Yech!”

- I get that euphemisms make us all feel better, but isn’t it kind of cruel to call the facility that houses our women inmates in the Marion County “Liberty Hall?” Isn't that like naming a funeral home “The Beacon of Life.”

- On the subject of incarceration, I don’t think as many people would brag about where they served time if we gave all the prisons daycare center names. What gangsta gets street cred telling his boys he got a shank scar “up at Little Bunny Foo Foo.” Here’s something else you’d never hear. “I’m not to be trifled with, son! I just did a decade at Tinky Winky….”


1 comment:

varangianguard said...

I don't know if these qualify as "answers", but they are my take on your Random Thoughts.

Would you prefer people tell you that they hope your plane crashes next time you fly? "Hey pal, thanks for writing me into your will. I hope you go down in flames, as I could really use a couple of thousand bucks right now". Just asking.

Coochie, coochie coo. Aren't you soooo cute? Like, do you feel, like, relief now?

I know this one. People used to think that your soul came out of your body during a sneeze. The "God Bless You" was to hold off the demons while your soul snapped back inside your body. For most people, nobody ever thought that their soul escaped from their anus. Of course, that was before the concept of "attorney" was formalized. Rules may be different in those cases.

Hmmmpf. You don't watch some of your co-workers close enough. Some people pray before doing most anything at their desk. For many, those moments of silence are precious interludes between hearing the life stories of everyone who goes to church with the praying mantis.

I think asking for a blessing of the meal is in thanks that you have something better than grub worms to eat. Of course, the guy I commute with LOVES stuff like that.

Skip to the New Testament first. I run into the same problem as you every time I read Genesis.

Americans aren't really very good at euphemisms. Try to find some for Hindi or Chinese cultures. Like, House of the Divinely Fragrant Moon, for example.

I hear that the Department of Corrections refuses to use more entertaining naming conventions. Something about not wanting to admit that they love Teletubbies®.