Good Morning, Mr. Phelps!!!

Not really. Not for our national hero, Michael Phelps. USA Swimming suspended him for three months, and Kellogg cancelled his endorsement contract after a photo of him using a marijuana pipe made internet rounds.

I don't use marijuana. But under the category of "youthful indiscretions," I list the single occasion when I tried it. And unlike Bill Clinton, I did inhale. As hard as I possibly could. But despite my best efforts, it had absolutely no effect. I didn't yell, "I'm a golden god" and jump from a rooftop. Nobody was funnier. Nobody crept up on me. I didn't even notice a propensity to say, "duuuuude."

People will say, "Oh, you didn't do it right," or "it wasn't good stuff." Really? Well, let's just say that I got it backstage at a concert from a guy who we'll call "Snizoop Dizzogg" to protect his real identity. And when the regular method failed, Mr. Dizzogg and his associates burned a batch in a crock pot that I put my head in and covered with a towel like I was treating a cold. Still nothing. Apparently, for straight-laced guys like me, marijuana is so subtle, you can't even tell you're using it.

But I know this. I've never heard of anybody dying from smoking marijuana -- not from operating while intoxicated, not from getting angry in a bar fight, and not from lung cancer. I'm not saying it's NEVER happened; I'm just saying I've never read about it. But I have heard of millions of tobacco deaths and hundreds of thousands of alcohol-related deaths.

But marijuana is the drug for which we spend hundreds of millions annually in law enforcement and Department of Correction costs?!? Dogmatic law enforcement types will tell you marijuana is a gateway drug. For some people, it is. But nowhere near as much as cigarettes and alcohol are.

Isn't it time to admit yet that, from a public health perspective, we've backed the wrong horses, and marijuana isn't serious?

Look at the statement issued by USA Swimming on Phelps:

"This is not a situation where any ANTI-DOPING rule was violated...."

You're telling me they aren't laughing at their own double-entendre?

USA Swimming goes on to say that Phelps has to "earn back our trust." How did Michael Phelps betray us? By showing that you can still destroy your competition while periodically being half-baked? By pulling back the curtain on this ludicrous American marijuana morality play?

All we can say is that Phelps broke the law by using a non-sanctioned drug. But, the older I get, the more the arbitrariness and hypocrisy of what we have chosen to criminalize (or NOT to criminalize) in this country disgusts me. It's not based on public health concerns; it's based solely on how much money is made by the politically-influential businesses that control those drugs. This is why underaged drinking will never be criminalized as heavily as marijuana possession at any age, even though the former results in people dying at colleges across America. (You see, beer sponsors are the cash cow that drives almost ALL of our hero-worship enterprises, a/k/a "the professional sports industrial complex").

Kellogg said it dropped Phelps because his behavior is "not consistent with the image of Kellogg." Are they serious? The only image anybody has of Kellogg is a tiger in a kerchief shilling for his frosted flakes by telling us how greeeeeeaaaaattt they are.

For his part, Phelps has acknowledged "bad judgment." But one can't help but wonder whether most people see the "bad judgment" as using marijuana...or using it publicly. I doubt most people would say, "Mr. Phelps, please stop. This is bad for YOU," had this been something only THEY knew. No, most would say, "Do what you want, Mr. Phelps, but don't EVER make us rethink what we've already made up our mind about, or force us to explain our great American hypocrisies to our kids." It's too disconcerting for most Americans to have their assumptions challenged.

Stay tuned for part two on American hypocrisy later in the week....

Good Morning, Mr. Phelps!!!

The Inaugural Inaugural Write-Up!

Because of a lengthy trial yesterday, I was unable to watch the Obama inauguration until last evening (Thank you, DVR!). I have not seen, heard, nor read a single thing about the event yet because I wanted to give my “gut” impressions. Here they are:

- DAMN! Barack Obama flubbed his oath. This will give Republicans fodder for the next four years. Also, some Freeman wackos plus Advance Indiana will probably say Obama is not president because he hasn’t REALLY taken the oath of office. President Obama looked at Chief Justice Roberts like, “Are you freaking kidding me?!?!?” I don’t blame him. Isn’t every significant oath given in rhythmic phrases of NO MORE than five words? To have and to hold? In sickness and in health? How are you going to hit a guy with more than that when you know he has to be nervous about becoming the most powerful man in the world? I have a sneaking feeling Justice Roberts is thinking today, “Ha ha! Got him!”

- When George Bush walked out, he looked as comfortable as a black man at a clan rally. His eyes kept darting back and forth like he was expecting someone to throw shoes at him or something. He might be suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder from that well-heeled attack. Lord knows it’s the closest thing to combat he’s ever faced.

- Somebody needs to tell Michelle Obama not to wear that color of lip stick or lip gloss. It looked like her bottom lip was radioactive white during certain camera shots. (Oh, by the way, I’m still waiting for that top secret video where Michelle Obama says “whitey” that was much talked about on the internet. I guess Republicans are going to hold it until Obama runs for re-election?!?)

- People who can get past the fact the invocation was delivered by the “controversial” and “conservative” pastor Rick Warren will say he gave a phenomenal prayer. Of course, for some liberal activists, that’s almost like saying, “Hitler gave some great speeches if you can get past the whole holocaust thing.”

- Obama’s faith was on display throughout his speech. It was very scripture-based, which will make some people nervous. But he did something I hadn’t heard before from a U.S. president. He publicly acknowledged our nation also has “non-believers.” Conservative critics will attack him for it.

- I thought Obama’s speech was very moving, but not everyone agreed. I counted no fewer than eight people whose eyes were shut or whose heads were bobbing during the speech, and most of them were on the dais. Having people nodding off after an early morning that follows late-night festivities is nothing new, but this is where you can tell BET is not used to covering political events. Come on, BET! You NEVER show the sleeping people! Take a lesson from CNN. If CNN had shown all the people asleep at a McCain afternoon rally (say two hours after the MCL lunch rush), we would have seen entire rows in snoozeville. Even Michael Dukakis and the late, great Paul Tsongas never suffered the indignity of a public airing of people asleep during their events, but you KNOW there had to be thousands of potential targets from which to choose.

- I watched the movie Gladiator the other night, and the line that stuck with me is when Hinsou tells Crowe, “You have a great name. You must kill it before it kills you.” That’s what Obama is probably thinking. If he embraces his middle name of “Hussein,” he gives license to the conservatorati, like Greg Garrison, to say it with derisive emphasis (Barack HUUUUSEEEIIIIN Obama). But I cringed when I heard them announce “Barack H. Obama” as the President-Elect entered. Aside from mental comparisons to Hubert H. Humphrey, it was an obvious dodge of his own name, which everybody was going to hear anyway during the swearing in.

- Hillary Clinton seemed to have a forced smile to me during the entire proceeding. You know, the one where the mouth is turn up waayyy too high to be natural, so it suggests the person is really exerting effort? Inside her mind: “I should be taking that oath, damn it!” Bill Clinton kind of looked mad. Inside his mind: well, this one is actually anybody’s guess, but I’m going with, “Look at the diversity of hotties up in here.”

- It was, indeed, a broad swath of Americans, young and old, black, white, Asian, Arabic, and a whole lot of census-box-confounding “others.”

- While we all know Reverend Lowry was being ironical and tongue-in-cheek comedic at the end of his benediction when he said he hopes American can get to a place where “black doesn’t have to get back, yellow can be mellow, the redman can get ahead, man, and white can do right,” I promise there will be people who criticize that remark for (a) calling native Americans “red,” (b) calling Asians “yellow” (though when he said it, BET cameras caught some Asians who were laughing and applauding, and (c) for suggesting the white man needs to do more things right. I promise you Lowry will be painted by the same “white hater” brush that the conservatorati used on Reverend Wright.

- John Williams is a great composer (Close Encounters, Star Wars, Jaws, Indiana Jones, Apollo 13, Jurassic Park, Saving Private Ryan, and Schindler’s List, to name his signature works), but I wasn’t impressed with his original piece, which is saying something given that he had the world’s best violinist and cellist in the quartet. If every American got the joy out of their job that Yo Yo Ma gets out of playing his cello, we’d be absolutely destroying the industrialized world in productivity.

The Inaugural Inaugural Write-Up!

Affirmation for Two Political Theories Ipopa Tells Everybody Who Will Listen - Part One

I'm excited today. I have two political theories that I've subscribed to for years, and I now have psychological affirmation for both theories from Malcolm Gladwell's fascinating 2007 book, Blink.
Here's the first.

I tell everybody I will never run for office because I fail in the three H’s (height, hair, and hands).

Scanning history in the TV era, one quickly notices that only Eisenhower and Ford have been “bald” presidents. The latter was a five-star general war hero, and the former wasn’t elected to either the vice-presidency or the presidency, and by all accounts, was a bumbling idiot. (Of course, with our current president, it is critical to remember that “bumbling idiot” is a relative term).

Also, I noticed early on the prevalence of tall elected leaders. Mini-Mike Dukakis in the tank still somehow seemed punier than George Bush, Version 1.0, even though Bush’s “gentle speak” could make you feel like he was reading you a bedtime story, not delivering the State of the Union address.

Gladwell's book notes how tall people "make us swoon" because they fulfill what we think a leader SHOULD look like. He notes that while only 3.9% of Americans are 6' 2" or taller, a staggering 33% of Fortune 500 CEOs are. If you ever wondered how some idiot in your office got above you professionally, size him up. Literally. You might have your answer.

Finally, from Bill Clinton to Mike Phillips, the former Speaker of the Indiana House of Representatives, I’d always noticed that when I met somebody with large hands, it somehow inspired trust and made me like the person instantly. In retail politics, these folks have a HUGE natural advantage. Everybody who meets President Clinton says he’s amazingly “charming” or “charismatic.” But, curiously, you’ll notice that people even say this when they’ve spoken to him for five seconds. How can someone be charming with "Hello? How are you?" How does Clinton produce this response?

I say it’s fixated eye contact (he looks at your eyes and won’t divert them, even if he hears gunfire), and his large hands, an effect he sometimes amplifies by placing a second hand on top of yours in a cuplike fashion. I can’t account for it psychologically, but it has to be a Freud-like protective thing, reminding many of us of how our fathers held our hands when we were kids. When Bill Clinton shook your hand, you knew he’d take care of you. (He’d also likely take care of your wife in ways you weren’t too keen on, but the hands didn’t tell you that part).

This is not to say a bald hobbit could never get elected. But (s)he would suffer a substantial competitive disadvantage that could only be overcome by Frodo Baggins-type heroism or Ross Perot-type money. This is also not to say being tall and having hair thicker than a televangelist guarantees victory, as Mitt Romney will tell you.

But all other things being equal, boy, does it help. This isn't theory now. This is fact.

Stay tuned for part two..."How Melina Kennedy Got Lead Astray"....

Affirmation for Two Political Theories Ipopa Tells Everybody Who Will Listen - Part One